Chicken Pax

2005-07-10T09:30:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading Cicero : The Life and Times of Rome's Greatest Politician by Anthony Everitt. Everitt writes well, makes good use of evidence and sources, and straddles the line between scholarship and popular history writing without selling out or dumbing down. He might have included a bit more on historiography, extant sources (and what that means for understanding anything in the classical world) and the meaning of Cicero, especially for Enlightenment thinkers and--drum roll--the Founding Fathers. Still it's a great book and I am encouraged that it sold so well.

London bombings

2005-07-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

Rejoice, Islamic nation. Rejoice, Arab world... the heroic mujahedeen carried out a blessed attack in London, and now Britain is burning with fear and terror, from north to south, east to west. The Secret Organization of al-Qaida in Europe, 07/07/05

Twisted metal and sooty fear, words ruined: rejoice, heroic, blessed.

I am horrified by the terrorist attack in London, its timing and coordination, its madness, its evil.

I am haunted by images: the bus torn asunder in Tavistock Square, the face of the woman leaving Edgeware Road tube station with the haunting face mask bandage, the shocked faces.

Help us, God.

somber note

2005-07-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

It's been two months now since my friend Steve hung himself. So intensely sad.I read the suicide note this weekend, finally released from the German police and made available.My first reaction was how badly written it was. That sounds bad or arrogant or something--it's an inappropriate reaction--but there it is. He used cliches, spat out generalities, said not to worry...and then hung himself in his hosts' backyard, ending his life, greatly wounding others and forever ruining those poor peoples' home.I should be more loving, or sympathetic, or something. Instead I feel angry, and really kind of cold. And sad.

I fell apart at the funeral though I tried to put a strong face on it. That must be a Swedish thing to try to do, but in any case I failed. Besides the day of the funeral I haven't really felt strongly, or even clearly, but rather kind of ambiguously anxious, sad and tarnished.

Love, Loving others

2005-06-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

The Earth As It Is
Leonardo Boff
"Is it possible to live in peace and happiness when you know that two-thirds of human beings are suffering, hungry and poor? To be human we have to have compassion. This solidarity is really the defining factor of our humanity and is gradually being lost in a culture of material values. It’s not only the cry of the poor we must listen to but also the cry of the earth. The earth and human beings are both threatened. We must do something to change the situation...
There won’t be a Noah’s Ark to save only some of us. To meet people’s fundamental concerns change is needed. The world as it is does not offer the majority of humanity life but rather hell. I believe that change is possible, because I cannot accept a God who could remain indifferent to this world, but only one who cares about the poor and the suffering."

Real Love
Teresa of Avila
"Let everyone understand that the real love of God does not consist in tear-shedding, nor in that sweetness and tenderness for which we often long, just because they console us, but in serving God by serving those around us, in justice, fortitude of soul, and humility."

-------------------------------------

I was raised a fundamentalist Protestant and growing up I didn't experience much loving-kindness, much respect for the life of the mind, or concern for the here-and-now; much attention was placed on certain religious feelings; personal salvation; the Bible; the end of the world; and the fear of sin, sex, and disorder.

Sometimes I wonder: do I react too much to my childhood? Do I stress too much the life of the mind? Do I downplay the notion of sin? Am I too much a rationalist, empiricist, pragmatist? Certainly the approach of my childhood is flawed, greatly so, but I wonder if it's a matter of degree or kind.

Anyways, these quotes got me thinking tonight about caring for the world now, certainly something Christ did (i.e., all of his life preceding his death), and, about the nature of love--that it is not sentimental, self-centered or narcissistic. (NB. This does not condemn emotion at all, just places it in proper context.)

BAPTISM AT THE BEACH

2005-06-26T12:02:00.000-07:00

I went to a baptism today for a family member who is thirteen. It was a big event; there were a lot of people there. Man, I think there were more candidates for baptism by this non-denominational Evangelical church today than were in my small Anglican church this morning en toto. Quite the operation! It was a strange experience for me. I myself got baptized this past year; this after having left the church as a young man. I didn't involve my family as they are somewhat fundamentalistic, pretty hard core Evangelical. I think they would see little difference between the Anglican church and Roman Catholicism. This tight, narrow definition of "Christian" was echoed today by one of the baptismal candidates who said, "I was a good Catholic for 40 years, and then I came became a Christian." Although I felt ambivalent, it was a joyful occasion overall. The weather rocked, people were happy, lots of happy kids running about; still I was troubled by feelings of alienation from my family and my roots, and feelings of sadness.

Theological Quiz

2005-06-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

Here is the result of an interesting online quiz I took:
"You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern

68%

Classical Liberal

64%

Roman Catholic

61%

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

57%

Neo orthodox

54%

Modern Liberal

50%

Reformed Evangelical

39%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

29%

Fundamentalist

11%"

From What's your theological worldview?

I am surprised at some of my results. I don't think I am alienated from older forms of church. If I were I wouldn't go to an Episcopal church which, while hardly old fashioned in its politics or morals (hardly fundamentalists!) it is far from contemporary in its forms, indeed is quite old fashioned in its forms. I do agree that learning does take place in dialogue and I am not big on alter calls and crusades (hardly!). It is about questions and lovingly working out one's salvation.

Economic Polarization

2005-06-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

I was suprised to see that even Alan Greenspan is concerned about the long-term growth in the gap between rich and poor in the US, that a large chunk of the labor force has not benefitted from economic change, and that this is a cause of concern: "As I've often said, this is not the type of thing which a democratic society - a capitalist democratic society - can really accept without addressing."

Why not support the apology? Surely the South has moved beyond?

2005-06-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

At least six Senators did not endorse a Senate bill apologizing for the government's dereliction of duty in not condemning the practice of lynching: Senator Richard Shelby, R-Alabama; Senator Thad Cochran, R-Mississippi; Senator Trent Lott, R-Mississippi; Senator Lamarr Alexander, R-Tennessee; Senator John Cornyn, R-Texas; Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-Texas.

True, they didn't vote against it, but why not actively support it?

The Senators' responses to inquiries were particularly lame: see http://www.chrisgeidner.com/blog/archive/003422.html.

An Apology for Lynching: 80+ senators say sorry

2005-06-14T06:07:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that it took this long…

Senate Issues Apology Over Failure on Lynching Law

By SHERYL GAY STOLBERG New York Times June 14, 2005

WASHINGTON, June 13 - Anthony Crawford's granddaughter went to her grave without speaking a word to her own children about his lynching, so painful was the family history. On Monday, Mr. Crawford's descendants came to the Capitol to tell it - and to accept a formal apology from the Senate for its repeated failure, despite the requests of seven presidents, to enact a federal law to make lynching a crime.

The formal apology, adopted by voice vote, was issued decades after senators blocked antilynching bills by filibuster. The resolution is the first time that members of Congress, who have apologized to Japanese-Americans for their internment in World War II and to Hawaiians for the overthrow of their kingdom, have apologized to African-Americans for any reason, proponents of the measure said.

"The Senate failed you and your ancestors and our nation," Senator Mary L. Landrieu of Louisiana, chief Democratic sponsor of the resolution, said at a luncheon attended by 200 family members and descendants of victims. They included 100 relatives of Anthony Crawford, as well as a 91-year-old man believed to be the only known survivor of an attempted lynching.

He is James Cameron, who in 1930, as a 16-year-old shoeshine boy in Marion, Ind., was accused with two friends of murdering a white man and raping a white woman. His friends were killed. But as Mr. Cameron felt a noose being slipped around his neck, a man in the crowd stepped forward to proclaim Mr. Cameron's innocence. Mr. Cameron came here in a gray suit and a wheelchair, his voice shaky but his memories apparently fresh.

"They took the rope off my neck, those hands that had been so rough and ready to kill or had already killed, they took the rope off of my neck and they allowed me to start walking and stagger back to the jail, which was just a half-block away," Mr. Cameron told a news conference. "When I got back to the jail, the sheriff said, 'I'm going to get you out of here for safekeeping.' "

He learned only later, he said, that the sheriff was a member of the Ku Klux Klan. "I was saved," Mr. Cameron said, "by a miracle."

There have been 4,742 recorded lynchings in American history, Ms. Landrieu said. Historians suspect that many more went undocumented. Although the House passed antilynching legislation three times in the first half of the 20th century, the Senate, controlled by Southern conservatives, repeatedly refused to do so. Senator George Allen of Virginia, chief Republican sponsor of the new resolution, called it "this stain on the history of the United States Senate."

Although the Senate garnered praise on Monday for acting to erase that stain, some critics said lawmakers had a long way to go. Of the 100 senators, 80 were co-sponsors of the resolution, and because it passed by voice vote, senators escaped putting themselves on record.

"It's a statement in itself that there aren't 100 co-sponsors," Senator John Kerry, Democrat of Massachusetts, said. "It's a statement in itself that there's not an up-or-down vote."

Others described the resolution as an act of expediency for Mr. Allen, who is a likely presidential candidate and who has been criticized for displaying a Confederate flag at his home and a noose in his law office. Mr. Allen said that they were part of collections of flags and Western paraphernalia and that he was motivated not by politics, but by a plea by Dick Gregory, the civil rights advocate, who wrote him a letter urging him not to "choose to do nothing."

The memories were especially painful for the relatives of Anthony Crawford, whose family was torn apart by the lynching. Mr. Crawford had been a wealthy black landowner in Abbeville, S.C., a cotton farmer, registered voter and community leader who founded a school for black children and a union for black families. In 1916, after a dispute with a white man over the price of cotton seed, he was hanged from a pine tree and shot more than 200 times. His family lost his land, and the relatives scattered.

"Someone is finally recognizing our pain," said Alberta Merriwether, a retired schoolteacher who is his great-granddaughter and whose mother never spoke of the lynching.

Mrs. Merriwether's aunt Magdalene Latimer, 84, was not so certain about the senators. "I have to let God be the judge," Ms. Latimer said, "because I don't know if they meant it out of their heart or they're just saying it out of their mouth."

2005-05-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

This picture is too funny!

I am not by any means a Heroic Man of Maths and Intellect. I am probably just average at math, if that. Since I have been started software and database work, I have had to do some catch up work. I am hardly a Leibniz or Newton! (The teddy bear makes it all so clear.)

Losing your religion

2005-05-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

The experience of losing your faith, or of having lost it, is an experience that in the long run belongs to faith; or at least it can belong to faith if faith is still valuable to you, and it must be or you would not have written me about this. I don't know how the kind of faith required of a Christian living in the 20th century can be at all if it is not grounded on this experience that you are having right now of unbelief. "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief" is the most natural and most human and most agonizing prayer in the gospels, and I think it is the foundation prayer of faith.

- Flannery O'Connor

From the Bruderhof's Daily Dig by way of SojoMail

Eneagrams: Not a strong, salient Type

2005-05-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

I don't seem to have a single, salient Type, but rather several Types that are pretty strong. I think this makes me either:

1) developmentally inchoate;
2) psychologically incoherant;
3) a bit of an Eneagram whore;
3) more-or-less normal and balanced.

I will have to check the interpretation of the results of the test. It seems that it's designed assuming one clear and distinct result, i.e. one is to be a Type 5 or a Type 8. The explanations are not really geared for someone who one of several categories.

I enjoy taking psychology tests, especially when other people have taken the same one, and then comparing notes, ideas and experiences. Sometimes the tests are rather far off the mark I think, or sometimes just not very interesting an explanation, but then sometimes they can be very enlightening and helpful.

I should scare up my results of the Myers-Briggs and the Strong-Campbell Interest Inventory tests to see how they all compare and look for patterns.

Talking about death

2005-05-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

Over beer and coffee and on cellphones, some of the old friends of Steve's have been talking about him, his life, death, choices and what's-it-all-about. I appreciated these conversations a lot. They are meaningful and grounding and touching.

I love the funny stories. Hearing those makes me feel so bright.

I was curious to learn how anti-religious some of my friends are; or rather, I was suprised by the extent of their expressed animus to religion due to philosophical assumptions or bad experiences. Well, fair enough. I used to fear and hate church, and I still have some anxiety, fear and resentment about the category of 'church' and 'minister' and 'hell' and the rest. But to not attend a funeral because of a metaphysical beef? or because 'Christianity is of its essence reactionary'? Who cares? I would go back to my own place of childhood suffering if I thought it would honor a friend or help surviving loved ones out in some way. I might go drunk or stoned or on valium, but I sure as hell would go. But, mind you, I don't really know why the people who aren't going aren't going. I have only their stated reasons. Maybe they were abused by a priest, or have agoraphobia, or are still scarred by the worst, most depressing and life-crushing fire-and-brimstone Baptist funeral ever.

I try not to be judgmental of people's reactions. We all bring such different experiences and worldviews and assumptions.

Sill, a few comments bugged me. A few people have said things that indicated a great deal of distance from their former friend's suicide, as if it hadn't been a few years since they had seen Steve but rather decades, and as if they had expected the death because wasn't he a bit of a fuckup? Well, yes he was in the last years, he made ruinous life decisions and he became self-obsessed, but most everyone I talked with knew him, hung out with, bonded with him in some way, were his friend. We are in our early to mid 30s thinking about a friend from a few eyars ago, not old men recalling with effort some lost soul from college.

This emotional distancing is very odd; understandable perhaps, but odd, and false somehow. I mean, are people so detached or disinterested or busy that they choose a posture of distance and irony over grief? One does not have to think things out or feel things deeply, but I don't think you can have intimacy or joy or real happiness either.

Another comment that bugged me was just silly: J. apparently is going to give a eulogy in which he is going to say that Steve killed himself "because he had no one to love". Which is just utter shite.

This makes Steve appear as a giant font of love who, unable to connect, languishes and perishes; as if he were misunderstood somehow and environmentally oppressed, as if he only lacked a venue or a portal; a passionate man lost on an island and driven mad. Which is complete crap.

Steve was wholly self obsessed in his last few years of life, from what I know. He was in to crystal meth and scamming and partying; he wasn't malevolent or whatever in this stage, but was hardly a loving or 'loveable' person. He certainly was not trying to love his mother when he made consistently lousey ethical choices and caused the DEA to question her at her work and to search her home. And I don't think it's anything to do with love to hang yourself in the lovely garden of your friends, thereby forever staining their garden and home. Neither is the pettier laundry list of selfish absurdities that could be tallied.

I hope J. says other things in his eulogy, and I am sure he will as R. or someone will talk to him . If he doesn't, he will just horribly embarass himself and look like an ass for decades.

People will see Steve ambivalently--he ensured that by his later choices and his last choice--but no one that I know of will be ungenerous or neglectful of the positive truths: that he could be extraordinarily sweet, loving and generous; that he could engender such great hilarity and fun; that he had a strong life force, a constitution like a horse, a lust for life. And more.

Habeas Corpus, Beamtenum

2005-05-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

I am getting the information about Steve's death and funeral second- and third- and sometimes even fourth-hand. It is very frustrating.

What seems clear is that there have been more delays; his body is still in Germany, it's been embalmed, identified, paperwork completed and translated, and that his body may be transported only by Lufthansa, which doesn't fly directly to Minneapolis. There have been paperwork holdups and bureaucratic SNAFUs: some of this is due to the inter-national nature of the death and the fact that Steve's passport was invalid; part of it may be the fault of the US State Departmentand; part of it just bad luck, as it occured outside of a major city and involved two German holidays, and some of this is due to local, German Beamte.

Very frustrating.

It makes me angry really when I think about his poor ma, having to deal with this Mickey Mouse horseshit on top of years and years of anguish and worry about Steve--is he safe? will he go to prison? will he overdose? is he ever happy? will he ever be happy? is he hurting himself? will someone kill him?

Maybe she is just in shock, a mixture of anguish and trauma suspended in a gelatin of overload.

I don't know really know her but I like her, I guess because in the social contexts I've seen her she has been kind, feisty in the eyes (I mean there is active life and intelligence in her eyes) and the only other non-Republican in the room.

And now her boy died. The bad thing that she must have spent a million calories worrying over has come to pass; her guts finally did get torn out.

BOOM!!! goes Troy's tire, pop goes the weekend

2005-05-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

I had a great Friday night with some friends eating German food and drinking Weißbier at a great German restaraunt. We talked about everything and nothing, and then hours later we hung out at a friend's house eating junk food talking about everything and nothing and watching odd Japanses movies which were very funny.

So I drive home and it's late, three-ish or later. Suddenly, just before I was about to exit Freeway 494, onto Highway 7 when BOOM! the diver's side tire blows out.

I lost control of the car for a few seconds and scraped up against the Jersey barriers just to the left of me. I got the car under control and pulled over to the exit and got on some gravel.

Then I had a ridiculous experience trying to change a tire on uneven gravel, finally cranked the dead tire off and then proceded to wreck the jack. Finally some cops show up and after two breathalizers (two? and I was sober thank you), they called a tow-truck, for which I was thankful.

The tow-truck guy got the spare on and I mumble-bumbled the car to a nearby Firestone where I waited about two hours for them to open. After a bit, I got some sleep in the car, and then was at Goodyear for a few hours where I learned that the front suspension got bent up as well as some other crap. So it will be a little expensive, about 700-800 dollars.

But, oddly, I was pretty happy about things.

I didn't die for one.

And my injuries added up to a mild headache and a little cut on my head from hitting the door frame. Nothing really. Today I am fine.

And I have an appreciation of being alive, of breathing, of seeing rosey-fingered dawn emerge, of feeling sadness, of breathing deeply and tasting M&Ms and bad coffee at Goodyear.

I think after Steve's suicide I am very aware of being a being that dies and also of being alive right here and now. So why not live?

Evolution in Kansas

2005-05-07T16:51:00.000-07:00

Kieran Healey has a good post on the Creationism-Intelligent Design (ID)-Evolution going on in Kansas, as does PZ Myers. The whole affair is absurd, darkly humorous and discouraging. One bit that is especially odd is the use by the Christian Right team of a Turkish Islamic "expert" on Creationism-Evolution flown in at taxpayers' expense.

If it weren't (albeit darkly) humorous, I would worry very much about science education in the US and about things in the broader culture. I don't know how so-called Young Earth Creationists expect to be taken seriously.

ID doesn't worry me per se, though it is pure speculation rather than testable or demonstrable, and that is neither good nor science. It might count as "natural philosophy" in the Early Modern sense used by Galileo and Newton, but ID's method and substance are not what the stuff of modern science.

In the end, if rigorous science, higher maths, and foreign languages were taught intensely, consistently and early on (i.e., a massive, aggressive overall of the entire system of "science" education), well, then I would trade this for the teaching also of Intelligent Design, even in a science setting per se. I think ID is a problem scientifically, but it's not completely mad and at least an attempt is still made to ground thought on observation, critical thinking, and testability.

I don't think that I have to worry about making such a trade, but I would.

Suicide

2005-05-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

Steve died.

My former roommate and old friend apparently killed himself two days ago in Germany. I can't verify it, but someone from Germany called his brother who told his mom. It sounded pretty half-assed and I don't think there is a known contact. I imagine the local police and federal police and US State Department and whoever else will be informed, and it will be verified and the body returned to the US.

Steve's mom must be mad with grief. And to not know even if he's dead, she'll just flail around between denial and anxiety and loss.

I am in complete denial mode, doubting it's true, wanting information and verification, wanting to know and do something, whatever. I also want to joke around but I can't imagine what I would joke around about. Like some damned doubting robot. Like some damned clown.

Steve was 'off the grid' on-and-off for years after I had lived with him, and had had a long stretch of drug use and a few problems with the police. Apparently he was on the lam for months, I heard Mexico, but I guess it was Germany.

He was kind of a shit at times in the middle 90s and after. I guess because of drug use, at least that is what I made of it. I don't want to romanticize a man just because he died. And Steve surely had problems.

But I must remember and honor what was good and true about him, that he was so dynamic and sweet, and could be so generous and warm-hearted. He was also obscene at times in a way that was simultaneously child-like and dirty, innocently vile, like the words hit you and you went "ugh" and then you laughed for the dirtiness of it and then laughed for the innocence of his expression.

I cannot believe he is dead! I searched some German news sites but nothing so far. I am sure I will find out more than enough and soon enough.

I have to do something for his mom and his brother, and for the friends who knew him so much better than I did. There will be a lot of grief.

On Boundaries and Cyberspace

2005-05-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

I think that I triggered or offended someone by commenting on their blog yesterday. I don't think I did anything 'wrong' and I meant well, but that is not really the point: I was a bit of a clod. I would apologize except that I don't think it's something you can apologize for, and it would make things more awkward. I am sure by not reading the blog and given time, it will all be fine.

Most blogs out there are really diaries that happen to be online, or communities of mates who share stuff. I forget this. The cyber cultures I know are different: punchy intellectual clearing houses like http://www.crookedtimber.org/; brainy, highly-focused academic culs-de-sac like the awesome Michigan series at http://www.h-net.org/; and http://www.pandys.org/, a large and intensive message board (with chat room) for people facing sexual abuse and assault.

This means I have a working idea about blogging that is probably overly expressive, generous but puppy dog-like in its willingness to comment, with a kind of sun-shiney, Tigger naivety about it all. There is nothing unethical with this and it has real advantages, but it can be a problematic style/culture (at least upon interface with others) and wants for social and emotional complexity, subtlety and timing. Or, sometimes hundreds of strangers get drunk and read poetry and sometimes a few people quietly discuss verse, and even though it's all poetry there is a world of a difference.

So, I apologize for bursting in.

Art, Party, AHS Animal Walk

2005-05-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

I went to an MFA showing and to a party afterwards and had a wunderbar time.

The art showing was cool! There was some very interesting pieces. My favorites: anachronistic and highly-crafted Early Modern-like machines (brass, mechanistic, pre-industrial, inventive), etheral and beautiful silk-gauze prints, and large ceramics that looked like ancient sea creatures. It was also rewarding to meet a fellow CVT volunteer, and see so many old friends.

The party was so much fun. Tons of great conversations, silliness, beer and interesting people (especially the smart psychiatrist with the beautiful eyes). A lot of fun. I miss parties! Bars and especially nightclubs don't do it for me.
_____________________________________________________

The next morning I did the Animal Humane Society's Walk for Animals, which I have done for a few years now with my niece. We went again with her friend, another niece and her friend, my brother and his pal and his kids.

The Walk was great! There were thousands of people with their animals, and everyone--human dog, cat, bird, bunny, gerbil and other--in such a great mood. There was this glowing field of love in the air, I swear it. You couldn't help but be affected, succumbing to certain happiness.

And I am such a lover of dogs. I wanted to take them all home: the wee babies and the old ones of years, the little vocal neurotics and the happy pot-head frisbee catchers.

My favorite new friend was a Blue Heeler-Lab mix who was about 5 months old. He was so sweet; adorable, soft, mellow, and so sweet. I failed to get a picture of him as I was too busy holding and petting him. But he looks something like this little guy (though my new friend was more Lab in color and a few months older:

My other new friend was a Pug puppy of surpassing sweetness and affection named Paka, which is Swahili for "cat" I guess. Jambo Paka!

Not cancer!

2005-04-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I had cancer, the dentist and oral surgeon didn't think it was cancer, and I survived Dr. Angst and his Sturm und Drang nurse goon squad.

I was cool, very okay with things. It wasn't denial, just not a big deal.

But then I freaked at the last minute.

Then Monday afternoon I got a call from the lab: I am clean! I was relieved. RELIEVED.

Thank you.

God's Presence

2005-04-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

Referenced by Noli Irritare Leones (a lovely blog, btw): Sacred Space--very cool! the little, Irish Jesuit, prayer engine that could. Well, it's not an 'engine' in the text generator sense, but it's cool nevertheless.

Gottes Gegenwart

Ein paar Momente lange denke ich an Gottes verborgene Gegenwart in den Dingen:
den Elementen schenkt Gott Dasein;
den Pflanzen schenkt Gott Leben; den Tieren schenkt Gott Wahrnehmung;
und mir, mir schenkt Gott all das und mehr,
macht mich zum Tempel, zur Bleibe von Gottes Geist.

God's Presence

For a few moments I think on God's hidden presence in things;
God gives existence to the elements;
God gives life to the plants; God gives perception to the animals;
and to me, to me God gives all this and more,
makes me a temple for the dwelling of God's Spirit.

Of tongues and of justice

2005-04-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

Operation Tongue was a complete success!

Well, it hurt like hell and I am sore, and there was a truckload of anxiety. Nevertheless I am proud of myself that I didn't freak out or throw up, which I came close to doing many times! I kept gagging from the blood and the sheer fact of the hands and everything. I didn't lose it though, and I was so glad of that. Of not losing dignity.

__________________________________________________

Last week my friend M. won a measure of justice when the case against her rapist-stalker-long-term abuser ended in a 20 year sentence. I was so happy as was she, though I think she is just in shock that the whole years-long process is ended. And I think a whole cavalcade of emotions will troop on by her: guilt, sadness, relief, depression, joy, continued sense of loss. She is a therapist, and she knows that the end of the trial though successful is no seal. She lost so much. Time. Dignity. Self. Health.

But the trial's end is meaningful. It is a real and good thing. It represents her standing up to madness and evil and her repudiation of the past. I am so glad and proud of her.

Getting a wee part of the tongue cut out

2005-04-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have this growth thing (like a big canker sore, or a mad taste bud, or a saliva gland that got stopped up) on my tongue that needs to be removed. First thing tomorrow morning it will be.

And it surely won't be as big as this woman's 66-pound ovarian cyst--intensely, fascinatingly gross.

Ack! But I am scared that with an oral surgeon and a nurse sticking fingers and scalpels in my mouth I will freak out, have a panic attack or at lesat throw up all over the place. I should perhaps be scared that the cyst is what isn't being talked about, a tumor, cancer, but I am calm about it, as what can I possibly do before the biopsy results come back on the 27th?

children

2005-04-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

I meant to add yesterday, that I appreciated the children at the Solomon's Porch church. There were tons of adorable children there: noisy, vibrant, innocent, potential annoying, innocent, grounding. I find invariably that when I go to church I sit in the kids' section as it seems safer somehow.

At some point at the beginning of the service I went from being almost comfortable to sort of freaking out. It had nothing to do with the church or people or environs; instead, it was all internal stuff: cognitive machinations and ghosts and habits of mind.

Anyways this little guy (one ship in an armada of wee ones) comes toddling by, back from his bold peregrination around Couch Land. A real little Magellan. And such a smile! Alive, open to life, surrounded by love and these tall humans with adoring smiles. So he shoots up his smiles like mad flares, then climbed over me to get to his dad.

And that was great. Stuff like that can be so calming, so grounding. Moreover, somehow it all reminds me of God by way of innocence, tenderness, lovingkindness, and care.

Solomon's Porch

2005-04-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

Preface: I don't have tons of time or energy so I will loosely lay out some thoughts.

Ok. I became very nervous arriving at the church (if they consider themselves a "church"). I didn't have to go (obviously), something I reminded myself of, so I took a deep breath and walked in.

I asked someone in the nursery downstairs where the sanctuary was, and she smiled, eyes full of shared insider knowledge and said, "Well there isn't a sanctuary. But there is a gathering upstairs," which was both cute and odd.

Upstairs, I was amazed by the gathering. There really are a lot of couches up there! Dozens and dozens of them along with chairs spread out in a large circle And more people than I had thought would be there. I sort of froze a bit, then acted like I knew what was going on and walked around.

The people I saw were overwhelmingly white and young-ish, and seemed educated (i.e., a lot of college students, college grads and advanced degrees), broadly middle class, hipper than average. And the church used to be in Linden Hills? from YUPPIE enclave to recovering ghetto (and Lake Street is so much improved since I was a kid which is awesome).

So is Solomon's Porch evangelical? Sort of? I didn't catch the sub-cultural code ("He's so spirit-filled!", "saved", "I was so blessed.", etc.). Are they simply using other words instead? and what is "missional"? Aren't all Christians missional except hard-core Calvinists (one does not save the damned) and not-of-the-world-at-all sects like the Amish?

Is Solomon's Porch where creative types or intelligentsia go to be evangelical (where intelligentsia = intellectuals, artists, knowledge workers, etc.)?

It definitely had some of the vibes of the Jesus People Church of childhood. Although I only went to the Jesus People Church a few times, and I was pretty young, but its overall inter-/non-denominational, open, youthful ethos seems similar to that of Solomon's Porch. But there is something stubbornly other about Solomon's Porch, an unwillingness to get too pinned down

Was there a forced informality? Maybe a bit. But not as forced as my mom singing Negro Spirituals in a megachurch choir. Was the casual somewhat overdone? Well, it's not like it just happened, that somewhat hip twenty- and thirty-somethings bump into each other and start "following the way of Jesus" after accidently crashing on random couches that are sitting around a warehouse. So, yes, there is an intentional layout and structure. In the end, any organized group of people will have not only a set ethos but rituals. Solomon's Porch seems to be aware of this, and be flexible about it. I think perhaps they are simply trying to engage a culture which has a mode of casual hyped by marketing and bordering on neurosis (where casual jeans can cost 100s of dollars and when even bank presidents dress casual).

A greater density of attractive Gen X and Y women than I have ever seen in a church, which is surely either a good thing or a bad thing.

I talked to several people. The people sitting next me, K. and T., had to have been graphic designers or set designers. They seemed cool. Another person, K., was so endearing, a sort of ideal of positivity: upbeat, child-adoring, sweet, earnestly writing her thoughts down, sharing with the gathering. (And I am embarrassed to say that my first thought was that it's difficult to believe that someone can be that sweet and earnest and not be stupid. It says nothing whatsoever about her and quite a lot about my own cynicism.) And M.? Odd talk of planting a church in a house which I didn't understand. Also, his poor, befuddled, visiting North Dakota parents, probably from a small ELCA church with old, hardwood pews, old-fashioned ways and clear norms.

While walking around acting like I fit in and wasn't afraid, I met a giant youth pastor-ish man (who later turned out to be the pastor, if they use that term). Actually, he was very charismatic, and a good speaker. (How does he sit on a revolving barstool, talk, emote, react to the audience, and maintain an even rate of chairspin?)

And his talk was quite good, very thought-provoking. I had misjudged him (which I do, as he is a religious authority figure, and projection and transference are common enough with me). Regarding the Psalms, I am clearly not someone who jives with "affirmation psalms", no doubt due to personality, and because of their use by people who've hurt me, who seem to very much dumb them down, some of whom can make even the Shoah a thing upbeat ("Troy, it made the Jews return to Israel and...[prophecy fulfilled, we soon to heaven, Armageddon, etc.). Janell's blog from months back was also emplyed, which was a dynamic use of media and a powerful thing.

Other people who spoke were impressive, too. M., a person who exuded kindness and who is some sort of graduate student, referred to Freud (who in my religious background is persona non grata) and to Frederick Buechner, whom I'd recently read. Buechner is cool! I loved his novel, Godric, and one of his essays. It was heartening to see him quoted and used.

The warm up guy (a facetious description, but he seemed to be playing that role to a degree to be honest) was too informal and jokey: Corey Feldman meets rave promoter meets class clown.

No offering, no alter call, no arm twisting, no talk of damnation, no laid-out epistemology, no obvious political agenda pushed, no particular weirdness. Good signs!

An oddball Eucharist practice; decentralized Eucharist Stations (my term for them) located throughout the couch-strewn sanctuary; yes, it's a sacred meal and everything, but it was so chatty, and things seemed to devolve during it. Also, I messed up the instructions and ate and drank before it was time, identifying myself as New Guy.

Oh! But the bread! The bread. The bread at my Eucharist station was so good, so sweet. Being on the South Beach diet (no sugar or flour for four weeks now) made that bread so sweet, like I had never had bread, never had sugar; a river of honeyed wine for the parched. (So I like carbs.)

Overall I was impressed with the church and can see going back. There was no observable weirdness, a lot of observable good things.

Church

2005-04-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday night, I will be checking out Solomon's Porch, a sort of post-modern church-but-not-a-church over in south Minneapolis. The main reason that I can do this is that they meet on Sunday evenings. I can't imagine attending regularly even if I liked it, but maybe it could play a complementary role vis-à-vis my church.

I have no idea what to expect from Stoa solomonica, but it seems non-threatening (objectively, but I am wholly neurotic about religion so it could be threatening all the same), and the author of one of the blogs that I read attends (or is a member, if they have "members") as do a few other bloggers that I have skimmed (and they seem both sane and engaging).

So I am excited and nervous.

(N.B. I am a member of an Episcopal church near my house, and I like it very much. I started checking it out last Autumn sort of randomly, and after going on-and-off and after getting involved with a men's discussion group on Thursday mornings, I eventually joined Trinity this Spring; also I was baptized there this past Easter which was pretty intense and worthy of a post in the future. I have relationships there, I appreciate it, and there is the wonderful men's discussion group that I appreciate very much.)

New Blog

2005-04-14T20:14:00.000-07:00

Hello World!

Finally, I have started my blog. Oh, sure there were the other attempts, the fitful starts and broken dreams, the would-have-beens and the wishful thinking...

And, yes, Inner Critic, I have never managed keeping a diary or a journal longer than several weeks.

But this is real, and here. And so am I. So we will see what we can do with it, and if it's rewarding.

Welcome! and goodnight.