somber note
It's been two months now since my friend Steve hung himself. So intensely sad.I read the suicide note this weekend, finally released from the German police and made available.My first reaction was how badly written it was. That sounds bad or arrogant or something--it's an inappropriate reaction--but there it is. He used cliches, spat out generalities, said not to worry...and then hung himself in his hosts' backyard, ending his life, greatly wounding others and forever ruining those poor peoples' home.I should be more loving, or sympathetic, or something. Instead I feel angry, and really kind of cold. And sad.
I fell apart at the funeral though I tried to put a strong face on it. That must be a Swedish thing to try to do, but in any case I failed. Besides the day of the funeral I haven't really felt strongly, or even clearly, but rather kind of ambiguously anxious, sad and tarnished.
posted by Chicken Pax at 7/06/2005
2 Comments:
You don't need to feel "more" of anything, or differently. It's okay to feel all the things you feel when dealing with this.
I think it is very very good to be able to "put words on" the things you feel in the aftermath of Steve's suicide. I think you are dealing with it head-on and bravely.
((((Troy))))
I have a friend who, as an adolescent, did try to kill herself. She's a recovered and stronger adult now, but she is very sensitive to news of anyone who does this, successfully or not.
She talks about anger. She felt angry at herself back then, and profoundly angry at those who hurt her enough to make her want to hurt herself. She speaks of the person who commits this act as someone who is so angry that they want to inflict as much pain as possible on other people. The thinking is not logical, of course, and I'm sure she does not mean to downplay the aspect of despair. But she has taught me that this kind of anger-turned-inward can produce an act of violence that is intended not just to hurt the self, but to strike back and hurt others.
I don't know if this helps you, but I thought I'd write it because it helped me understand, at least from my friend's perspective as someone who tried this and failed, what might be going on in such a person's head. I think often that is one of the hardest questions for the survivors to answer: WHY?
The Lord be with you, Troy.
Dash
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